People can be just as detrimental to your diet as fatty foods and sugar. Learn how to avoid the human obstacles to weight loss success, from Dr. Phil McGraw’s Ultimate Weight Solution.
In working with overweight clients, I have observed the dynamics of people who react toxically to your desire to lose weight and get in shape. You need to know these dynamics so that you won’t be sabotaged along the way to your desired weight.
Saboteurs can be obstacles in your path to weight loss. Be on the alert for these saboteurs and their behavior patterns. Be cautious when you are the most vulnerable, and always have a plan in place for dealing with them. They are not directly trying to harm your weight loss efforts; rather they are trying to protect their own lives and interests. They are getting in your way because you have gotten in their way, by changing how you eat, changing your looks, or changing a style of living that has become familiar and comfortable to them. If you can spot their sabotage, how you handle them depends on which type of saboteur you’re at odds with. There are four types of saboteurs whom I typically see as being among the most likely to try, on purpose or not, to thwart your efforts toward your goal.
The Food Pusher
This type of saboteur is among the most common: your mother who lovingly but relentlessly pushes her homemade brownies at you, even though she knows you’re trying to lose weight; the party hostess who says “You can go off your diet just this once,” enticing you with second helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy; your coworker who says at coffee breaks, “You’ve just got to try my homemade cinnamon rolls;” or even your spouse, who brings chocolate-covered cherries home to you once too often.
Food pushers like these can be extremely undermining because their methods are virtually invisible. They seem so loving, so well-intentioned. Their influence, however subtle, can be especially powerful because it typically comes from people you trust — your parents, grandparents, relatives, spouse, and close friends. The food they want you to eat is offered in the name of love and concern, making it very hard to resist, particularly if you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Understand that food pushers may be attempting to seek approval from you, and in doing so, are trying to manipulate you into eating food to please themselves. They may have an insatiable appetite for reassurance and stroking, and one way they attempt to get it is to constantly fish for compliments about their cooking. They may not believe in themselves enough, and so they look for a higher degree of self-worth in externals, either people or circumstances.
Many times, a Food Pusher — especially if she’s your mother or grandmother — simply does not know how to support you as an adult and is more comfortable treating you as child who must be fed and nourished. She is used to loving you with food; it’s the only way she knows. By refusing her food, you’re saying you don’t want to be loved that way anymore. She winds up feeling hurt and rejected.
It’s important for you to recognize these behaviors in people with whom you share your life, but at the same time, you must steel yourself against their persuasiveness. Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape. If the people in your life don’t get this, then that’s their problem, not yours.
The Control Freak
With the Control Freak, it’s all about power manipulation. The Control Freak is dead set on sabotaging your personal control and power over your ability to manage your weight. I vividly recall a couple I worked with for several months who were seriously considering divorce rather than continuing their hostile marriage. Darren and Sara had been married barely two years. For Sara, it was her first marriage; for Darren, his second. Years earlier, Darren’s first wife had had an affair, and one day Darren came home to a house stripped bare of all their possessions. His wife left him for the other guy, and divorce soon followed. Though deeply wounded and dazed by the rejection, Darren attempted to get on with his life. A friend introduced him to Sara on a blind date, and a whirlwind courtship ensued. Sara was attractive, bubbly, and smart, but in sharp contrast to his first wife, about 30 pounds overweight. The weight, however, was not a sexual turnoff for Darren. After nine months of dating, Darren and Sara tied the knot.
Shortly after getting married, Sara decided to diet and exercise at a local gym in order to lose weight. Darren began to grow uneasy. At first, he started picking at Sara, complaining that she was leaving the house too often to go to exercise classes instead of spending time with him. He began to criticize the meals she cooked and griped that they tasted too bland, like Styrofoam. In attempts to get his way, Darren would spout guilt-inducing phrases like, “If you loved me, you’d cook food I like. If you really cared about me, you’d stop spending all that time at the gym.” The only kind words he ever spoke seemed to be, “I like you fat.”
This behavior began to escalate. Darren forbade Sara to go to exercise classes, and he even forbade her to wear makeup. He began bringing home all sorts of fattening foods, including candy, cakes, bakery breads, and so forth. In retaliation, Sara lashed out with in-your-face obscenities and other verbal poison. The only way she could calm down after these venomous arguments was to binge on ungodly amounts of sugary, high-fat foods. There was no way she could lose weight in the midst of this mental and emotional turmoil. The viciousness on both sides had torn them apart, and the relationship was going down in flames.
In therapy, as our interactions wore on, it was apparent that Darren was terribly insecure personally. He was so afraid that Sara would leave him as his first wife had, that he did everything he could to control her appearance. The fatter and more unattractive she stayed, according to Darren’s sick reasoning, the less likely she was to stray. He had a pathological fear that he’d lose Sara to another man if she lost weight, so he felt he had to keep her fat. He’d rather have her fat than not have her at all.
Obviously, there were a lot of complex issues to work on. Darren had to make a decision about whether he wanted to persist in his control-freak role, allowing it to dominate his every waking hour, or get real and take the risk of letting himself love and trust. It was clear to me that if he didn’t, Sara would be out of there — and not for the reasons Darren feared most.
Ultimately, this couple did decide to examine their behaviors with a very critical eye so as to stop the sabotage, both of their marriage and of Sara’s desire to get in shape. By confronting their shortcomings and resolving these control issues, Darren and Sara did eventually save their marriage. Darren was transformed from a saboteur into a supporter, once he realized how much he was hurting Sara and the relationship. Sara, in turn, learned to stop her attack-dog behavior by focusing and building on the admirable qualities that had originally attracted her to Darren. Working through their problems strengthened the bonds between them, and today they plan healthy meals together and serve as each other’s training partners in their gym. Sara, by the way, is another success story, weighing a healthy 125 pounds, thanks to Darren’s loving support and the transformation in their relationship.
Learn to evaluate the messages you receive from those closest to you. Is your mate telling you that you can’t because he or she will feel threatened if you do? Is your friend or relative acting out of fear? Remember what I said earlier: people who genuinely care about you still get really scared when you try to change. In response, they’ll try to keep you protectively wrapped up in their cocoon so that you’ll yield to the authority of their power.
If there’s a Control Freak in your life right now, be forthright. You may have to reassure him or her that yes, things are changing, but this does not mean that your friendship, affection, or love will change. Your overall attitude about what you’re trying to accomplish should allow for no second-guessing on the part of people in your life.
The Green-Eyed Monster
Think about some of your friends who might be too unmotivated to address their own weight problems or start an exercise program. Then you show up on the scene, looking lighter and more in shape than the last time they saw you.
Jealousy, envy, and resentment erupt with all the force of a long-dormant volcano.
Sure, they might hover over you with words like, “You look great…how’d you do it?” while inwardly they’re thinking, “That bitch!”
These people — the Green-Eyed Monsters of the saboteurs — are not really happy over your success. They’re just plain jealous that you’re looking so good, and they’ll try to control you with their jealousy and sabotage your efforts. This may take the form of words like “You’re losing too much weight,” or “You look too thin,” or “Don’t you think you’re taking this diet thing too seriously?” Be on guard for such comments, since they’re not made out of sincere regard for your health, but rather out of envy. Be aware too, that their behavior may manifest itself in actions like pushing food. Whatever the behavior, the Green-Eyed Monsters will try to get you off your program and bring you down to their fitness level or to a fitness level lower than the one they themselves occupy. Even though they’d hate to admit it, they’d love nothing more than to see you fail, or get in worse shape than they’re in.
Keep in mind that often, Green-Eyed Monsters are the same people who are too afraid to confront badly needed lifestyle changes in their own lives. They’re only getting on your case because they haven’t been able to do anything about their own. They feel guilty because they haven’t been successful at taking charge of their own physical health.
Tell the Green-Eyed Monster that his or her behavior is putting up a brick wall between the two of you. Unless that wall comes tumbling down, the sense of trust and honest communication that once existed between you will be lost.
Don’t be deterred from achieving your weight loss goals just because somebody else is too afraid or unmotivated to go after their own. Remember that it’s not somebody else’s responsibility to tell you what you should eat, or how much you should weigh. You alone are responsible for your weight and your health. What’s more, no one has the power to persuade you to abandon your goals unless you let them.
The Statue
There may be people in your life who will not encourage you to change because they want — consciously or otherwise — to maintain the status quo. I call these saboteurs the Statues because they turn rigid and inflexible whenever you want to make positive lifestyle changes. They prefer the status quo because it is a safe, comfortable place to be. If you’re the family cook, for example, and you’ve decided that everyone is going to eat healthier meals, it won’t be long before your family hatches a conspiracy to “get Mom off her diet.” If you’ve stopped drinking beer with your buddies on Friday night, expect them to resent it. They’ll hate that the phrase “six-pack” now accurately describes your abs, not your drinking capacity — so be prepared for them to try to drag you back down to their level for the sake of their own comfort.
It’s just that once you decide to make a change, some of the people in your life will resist that change. This shift of position by you is seen as a major threat to all. Your decision may trigger resistance: the saboteur may rise up against the perceived threat. You may get messages like, “You’re no fun anymore,” or “Aren’t we ever going to go out to eat again?”
Winning support from Statues is tough, particularly if you’ve tried to lose weight in the past but have failed. Every attempt on your part looks so unstable, and they count on you to fail. They may even remind you: “Why even try? Look what happened the last time you did this.”
As with any sabotage, this type of pressure can make you less likely to stick to the changes you want to make. The key is to never let anyone take your commitment away from you, especially not for the sake of their own comfort.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phillip C. Mcgraw, Ph.D., is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Ultimate Weight Solution (Copyright © 2003 by Phillip C. McGraw), Life Strategies, Relationship Rescue, and Self Matters. He is the host of the nationally syndicated, daily one-hour series Dr. Phil. One of the world’s foremost experts in the field of human functioning, Dr. McGraw is the cofounder of Courtroom Sciences, Inc., the world’s leading litigation consulting firm. Dr. McGraw currently lives in Los Angeles, California, with his wife and two sons.
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