Dede Bonner, Ph.D., aka “The Question Doctor,” shares the 10 Best Questions you should ask when your spouse has Alzheimer’s disease. From The 10 Best Questions for Living with Alzheimer’s
1. When were we most successful in communicating with each other in the past? How can we use the same methods now to deal with this illness together?
Reflecting on your past successes and analyzing why those communications were good ones is a positive way to start this conversation. It’s common sense to build from a position of strength and hope as you seek to reestablish your connections for the future’s challenges.
2. What areas of our lives must we maintain to ensure our normalcy for as long as possible?
Favorite routines, like going to church on Sunday, Friday night visits with the grandkids, or “meatloaf Mondays” can become precious when they are potentially threatened.
Few couples facing Alzheimer’s disease consciously consider their normal patterns and daily routines. Solve this problem together as a team by identifying your most essential core.
3. What changes in our relationship do we need to discuss, understand, and accept?
Your past roles and the division of labor in your partnership may be turned upside down after a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. You can’t change or control this disease, but you can at least consider how to cope with it together.
4. What is this like for you?
This question can uncover a hornet’s nest of complaints, feelings, or a silent shrug. As the spouse, it may not have occurred to you to ask a question so direct and simple. If you have AD, you may be so self-absorbed and frightened that you haven’t adequately considered your spouse’s perspective.
Relationship advisors Dr. Scott Peck and Shannon Peck of San Diego, California, commented, “There are many ways to bring the empowering combination of kindness and love into your marriage. One way is to ask simple direct questions . . . this can bring great healing power.”
5. How can we help each other deal with the additional stress in our lives?
It’s human nature to take the additional stress and fear of the unknown out on each other. Back up and analyze if this is happening in your relationship. If so, how can you get reunited as a team facing this diagnosis together instead of two lonely and isolated people, both angry and afraid?
6. How can I show you that I love you?
Be a “love pharmacist” and dispense your hugs like good medicine. If you want more, see the 10 Best Questions on sex and intimacy in Chapter 17, “The 10 Best Questions for a Caregiver’s Emotional Health,” page 194.
7. How can we still enjoy being together and have fun?
What’s something silly or easy that the two of you can do just like the old days? Get your favorite takeout pizza, rent your favorite movie, and watch it together without once thinking, “Alzheimer’s.” Now do it again.
8. What can I do to help you now and later?
Just knowing that the loved one’s AD temper tantrums aren’t personal can greatly relieve some spouses who might think they somehow are responsible. Finding ways to overcome your own anxiety attacks and letting the storms pass will help both the person with AD and the spouse/caregiver tremendously. This question also works as a springboard for financial and legal discussions.
9. Do we need professional counseling or other help for our marriage?
If you are already seeing an AD specialist, such as a geriatric psychiatrist, take advantage of her expertise and book an appointment just to discuss your marital difficulties. As the AD patient, this frank discussion will help you understand how your behavior changes are likely to affect your spouse. As the spouse/caregiver, you need practical advice for coping with current and future difficulties.
10. What old rules do we need to break? What new rules do we need to establish?
Over time, nonverbal communication becomes increasingly important as people with AD start to lose their language capabilities. Your reliance on words and abstract meanings in your communication won’t work as well any longer.
Old rules to break might include this reliance on words for communication. New rules include finding a different way of communicating that relies on simplified yes/no questions and a prearranged set of nonverbal hand signals or gestures. As the AD worsens, these new rules won’t be foolproof either. Discuss your own old and new rules — the ones that work for you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dede Bonner, Ph.D., aka “The Question Doctor” and author of The 10 Best Questions for Living with Alzheimer’s (Copyright © 2008 by 10 Best Questions LLC), specializes in creative breakthrough and money-saving Best Questions for corporate clients and CEOs. She is on the graduate business faculty of Curtin University in Perth, Western Australia, and is an internationally acclaimed expert in questioning skills and management. A former political analyst for the federal government, Dr. Bonner is the owner of New Century Management, Inc, and 10 Best Questions, LLC. She has a doctorate of education in executive leadership.
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHOR
- 10 Best Questions to Ask to Find a Top Alzheimer’s Specialist
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- How Do I Find Help for My Parent With Alzheimer’s Disease?: The 10 Most Important Questions to Ask
- How to Spot a Bad Nursing Home: The 10 Questions You Should Ask
- How to Talk About Your Fibromyalgia Diagnosis With Those You Love
- When Should Dad Go to a Nursing Home?
LEARN MORE
- Read the Introduction to The 10 Best Questions for Living with Alzheimer’s
- Browse more books by Dede Bonner, Ph.D., “The Question Doctor”
