What you find in others, no matter what your background might be, will ultimately be a reflection of you. From Depression Is Contagious by Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D.
Only relatively recently have researchers and clinicians begun to examine the roles that significant people in a depressed person’s life play in the onset and course of depression. And we have learned quite a bit about the social lives of depressed people. What follows are just some of the findings.
Depressed people tend to have:
- Fewer friends and smaller social networks
- More conflict in their relationships with others
- Less support from others
- Fewer and less well-developed social skills
- Fewer close relationships
- Less rewarding relationships
- Fewer social contacts
- More marital problems and more family arguments
- More pessimism about the future of their relationships
Such findings make a strong case for the negative consequences of depression on relationships with others.
Other people can be mysterious and cause you pain. And, other people can be wonderful and bring you joy. What you find in others, no matter what your background might be, will ultimately be a reflection of you.
There’s a wonderful old story of a man walking a very long road from one village to another. At the outskirts of the new village he encountered a farmer laboring in his field, cutting hay. He said to the farmer, “I have walked a great distance to come to this village of yours. I have left my village looking for a new home, perhaps I will find it here. Tell me, how are the people in this village? What kind of people are they?” The man in the field thought a moment, then asked, “What were the people like in the village you came from?” The traveler replied, “They were uncaring, self-absorbed, cynical, and unfriendly. That’s why I left.” The farmer paused before replying and then said, “I think that’s how you’ll find the people here, too.” The traveler replied, “In that case, I’ll just move on and look somewhere else.” A couple of days later, the farmer was again out in his field when another man approached him and said, “My village was destroyed and the people scattered. I am looking to find myself a new home, perhaps in this village. Can you tell me, how are the people in this village? What kind of people are they?” The farmer asked, “What were the people like in your village?” The traveler replied, “They were wonderful people. Loving, close, helpful, and I will miss them terribly.” The farmer said, “I think that’s how you’ll find the people here, too.”
How do other people perceive depressed people? How do they perceive you? How does that exacerbate depression? The answers to these questions lie at the heart of the treatments I will recommend and the skills I will encourage you to develop through this book.
Another well-researched form of psychotherapy called interpersonal therapy (IPT) emphasizes the importance of having positive and healthy relationships and provides skill-building strategies for developing them. There is good evidence that when people improve their relationship skills, their depression improves. When people feel better about themselves, they get better feedback from the world around them. They feel empowered instead of victimized, and they finally feel like they are a part of something more compelling than themselves and their depression.
Rethinking Treatment for Depression
As we observe social conditions around us, including the fragmenting of families and society, we can see that relationships have clearly taken a beating. The divorce rate continues to be high, the length of the average dating relationship is measured in weeks, more people live alone than ever before, and people generally report feeling more cynical about other people. When people feel isolated, devalued, and expendable, it’s hard to feel good.
Let’s rethink treatment. Our predominant form of treatment, antidepressant medication, is itself a reflection of the larger problem. Let’s start to consider how your hurtful circumstances, whether self-generated or not, affect you and your outlook. Instead of taking a pill, take the time to be insightful and proactive in developing skills that will help you to live better. Don’t just “wait for the medication to work.” If you are withdrawn and unhappy, you can start to connect to others in meaningful ways.
Pause and Reflect: How’s Your Social Life?
Take another look at the general findings above. How many apply to you personally? How powerful a force in your own depression are the relationships in your life?
When other people are a primary source of distress in your life, when you find yourself getting hurt by other people in one way or another on a regular basis, or when you “just don’t get other people,” Depression Is Contagious will help you get connected to others in ways that can make a positive difference.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D., author of Depression Is Contagious (Copyright © 2009 by Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D.), is a clinical psychologist and internationally recognized expert who lectures widely on depression, psychotherapy, and clinical hypnosis. He is the author of ten books, including Breaking the Patterns of Depression, Hand-Me-Down Blues, and Suggestions of Abuse. He lives with his wife, Diane, in Fallbrook, California.
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHOR
LEARN MORE
- Read the Introduction to Depression Is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It
- Watch a video with the author
